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Morrells, Luce

Category: Ill or disabled

 

Luce Morrells chose this name for herself, as she is another of my friends who has provided me with a wonderful collection of observations, but who wishes to remain anonymous. 

What marks Luce out is that she has been ill all her life.  Her mother had a difficult birth and there is possible brain alteration that one can see from Luce’s face.  One of her ears is higher than the other and her eyes are also not quite aligned. 

Although her childhood was relatively illness free, she started to suffer from a whole series of illnesses when she left home for university.  Diagnosed with ‘irritable bowel’ disease, Luce suffered throughout her whole life from chronic stomach problems, pain and headaches until she discovered by accident she was wheat intolerant.  She has had two episodes of pleurisy, and has been hospitalised for a gall bladder infection serious enough for it to be treated as an emergency.  She has had endless colds and coughs that developed into more serious infection.  She has ‘flu badly twice.  She has rheumatism now and like numerous people on this site also nearly died from heart problems.

 

And she is borderline manic depressive.

What is borderline manic depressive?  It is manic depression that never becomes serious enough for the person to need hospital treatment.  In effect the pendulum is swinging, but it has never swung so low that she has become suicidal  and never swung so high that she has lost all sense of reality and become uncontrollably manic.  But she is an obsessive compulsive – mostly in relation to projects and work – has occasional delusions that she is going to save the world and spends a huge portion of her time either in cloud nine receiving inspiration and wisdom by the bucket load or in the pits of despair crying uncontrollably and believing she is alone and no one loves her.

People either love her or hate her as she can be either totally loving caring and sensitive, or tactless and utterly insensitive, saying things that shock even the most robust people.

She also has the manic’s propensity to collect avidly, buy things in wild spending sprees and indulge in sex on a breathtaking level. 

 

Luce is married and her long suffering husband appears either not to be aware of what goes on or has turned a blind eye.  She clearly loves her husband dearly but she is amoral in that she sees nothing wrong with having sex with whoever she finds attractive at that moment.  She treats sex like people would treat a meal out in a restaurant – a sort of very pleasant entertainment.  She has even compared these forays to me with meals.  ‘He was very tasty’. 

And her record is indeed impressive. 

She has had sex with men whose names she cannot even remember.  The memorable ones tend to be those she either liked a lot anyway or those where she had an exciting time, and it appears to be excitement, novelty, the joy of doing the forbidden [but without being found out and hurting anyone] that appeals.  Set and setting [as they say in the drug world] appear to be very important to her sense of enjoyment, exciting places [fields, woods, very expensive hotels] , exciting people [foreign, or off the wall like she is] and exciting locations [Paris, Amsterdam, London, Rome….].

Her parents appear to have been rather backward when it comes to both sex education and their attitude to sex.  Her mother appeared, like many women, to be totally disinterested in sex.  Sex was for creating babies and once babies appeared the need for sex was past.  Luce’s long suffering father remained loyal, married and a good father to Luce, but Luce’s antipathy to her mother is very obvious in whatever she says.  Luce loved her father to distraction and once she got older, she simply got to love men.  And love ‘em she did.

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She has had sex in a swimming pool during a thunderstorm in France with a French Belgian, which she describes as very memorable and exciting [‘I nearly drowned though – didn’t do it again’].  She has had sex with another woman and a man [quite fun]; sex with two men [more fun]; she had sex with a market maker in Amsterdam who also happened to be a cocaine addict [another French Belgian – ‘he said cocaine makes you impotent, but he wasn’t impotent with me’].  She has had sex with an Australian who appears to have exceeded her capacity for adventure in this regard [‘ I loved him, he was lovely and fun’].  She had sex with her boss [‘not a good idea – too close to work, very inhibiting’].  And there are more.  There is no point in listing them all.

For those of a very strict upbringing this may seem horrifying, but as Luce explains she is amoral – she does anything she likes as long as it hurts no one and she is probably more strict in her definition of what is hurt and what not than those who preach morals to others, whilst openly flirting with other people’s wives or fiddling their tax returns.   But the sexual energy is prolific as it is with many manics.  She doesn’t even try, men just seem to want to be with her and have sex with her, which makes one realise that this form of manic energy is actually very attractive.  It is worth adding she is attractive but nothing special.  In fact she has always been a little on the plump side.

 

She loves her husband deeply and greatly values his tolerance and understanding.  She does not consider herself ‘unfaithful’ because only once did she ever get to the stage of being in love with another man.  This conflict of true love plunged her into an abyss of despair and led to the only very very desperate depressive phase of her life – one in which she broke down completely.  She did not attempt suicide, but to all intents and purposes she was out of control. 

She has never sought doctor’s help because she does not consider herself mentally ill.  Furthermore the highs have given her such joy she would never ever want to replace them with some even balanced plateau of nothingness. 

 

She seeks the help of friends during the lows and indeed her friends and her naturally spiritual character get her through.  Her antipathy to doctors is not without justification as she has not had much success with doctors, who appear to have misdiagnosed every illness she had.  She calls them “a bunch of pompous self opinionated ignorant prats”.

Luce’s experiences come in the form of very lucid dreams which to her appear to be lessons from which she needs to learn.  And she takes them seriously and does try to learn from them.  She was a great help with the symbolism on this site as she has been studying this area for some time. 

 

She has also had over her life, during times of high manic energy, huge amounts of inspiration and, it appears, wisdom.  Luce was very successful at work [she was in computing like me] and was widely sought as a consultant for her insight and clear thinking.  Illnesses have also been a time of inspiration – during one very bad time when she was recovering from an illness, she gained the insight to write her first articles for a computer paper.

During times of depression she is not without input, but it appears to be geared to helping her learn about the mistakes she has made – the demons she was facing at the time.

She has never had an hallucination that she knows of, or an out of body experience, and wouldn’t want one.  She has had visions during times of deep relaxation. 

She chose the pictures, it obviously isn't her, but she thought it best summarised her.  

Observations

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