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My story. Not knowing how to cope.

Postby bekah » Sun Aug 18, 2013 7:16 pm

Sorry, this is really long
So, I have had a bit of an unusual life so far. I remember being about 4/5 and not being able to sleep because I was so convinced that there was something on my clothes or in the bed, which when I got the bed checked there was nothing there and there was nothing in my clothes every time I had to check. I would always feel things that weren't there.

My older sister had cancer, diagnosed just before I turned 5, she lived but I felt like everyone was avoiding me because they were caring for her and I would never go to the hospital and my little sister would. I think I became depressed around that time.

I made a unicorn friend, Perry was his name. No one noticed this change in me and I never told anyone because I was afraid.

I have always been afraid of the smallest of things but act like a robot (like a human on autopilot) and done what I have had to do, except spiders, my sisters didn't like spiders so I could act 'silly' about them. I was about 9/10 when I began to hear and see things that made me want to kill myself because they were so bad.

There is one person, Jack, and he is not connected to all the other hallucinations because he doesn't see them either, he isn't very nice sometimes, but talking to him makes me realise that he isn't that bad.

So I went through secondary school, getting worse and worse. At some point I began to self harm (I never imagined myself doing that). I would cry sometimes, other times I couldn't cry, I refused to cry. I didn't talk to anyone about part of this until the first part of last year. A friend made me go see a doctor and the doctor made me go see a mental health group where I talked to someone and they got me to see their doctor and the doctor called my parents.

That is when I had to lie because my parents would not listen to me and would bend what I said in ways that didn't make sense at all. They are Christians, so am I, but it is hard to talk to them about religion because as people I would never be able to like them, I can't put up with their habits because of the noise, and they deliberately make me feel bad without realizing the effect it has on me on the inside.

Then I went on drugs, I had to talk to another person who lied to me twice in the same week we met and then the dosage of the drugs increased. So I managed to lie to myself and everyone else.

I got worse throughout the last year and everyone stopped talking to me in September.

I occasionally see the doctor and I'm coming off the drugs very soon. I am now feeling worse than ever. And I have had problems with hallucinations with all 5 senses. I started panicking because jack didn't have a shadow a few months ago. People have wronged me a lot this year. I can be a really irritating person, but no one tries to understand why.

Like I said, I'm a Christian. When I am worshipping, I noticed that my anxieties go and a lot of the time I don't have any problems, I notice that reading short amounts of the bible can pause them when I am reading. I have had prayer, the last time I was crying for hours and shaking, no one around me knew why I was doing that.

But in everyday life, especially at the moment, every time I am in a relatively good mood or I am trying hard, people have always managed to ruin that, especially at home because my dad decides that he will project his bad mood on everyone else, and my little sister is super grumpy, so I feel like I can't be better because when ever I try someone comes along and ruin that.

But god has made me feel the best, so I'm not going to lose that.

However, in all the other times, I haven't been okay. I'm scared, and I don't like it. I don't know what to do, I end up hurting myself in any way I can, despite what I believe I feel like I'd be better off dead.

I'm not a very interesting person and from my last exam results, only one decent one, I feel like I can't carry on in education, because I can do the work but I can't do exams. So I have no idea what I'm meant to do, especially with the hallucinations, which I won't talk about because so much has happened.

All I know is I will believe in god, but I feel like everything is out to get me. I don't know how to cope with them. I'm really sorry if you read this.