Shining a Light in the Darkness – Dr Dean Ornish

Trust leads to intimacy, which leads to healing and meaning. We can only be intimate to the degree we can make ourselves vulnerable. But when we open our hearts, we can get hurt. So in the absence of social networks that feel safe -- an extended family, a stable neighborhood you've lived in for years, … -- it's easy to keep our walls and emotional defenses up all the time. ……

If we have nowhere that feels safe enough to let down these defenses, and no one we trust enough to open our hearts, then the same walls that protect us can also isolate us if they're always up. Ironically, what we think protects us may actually threaten our survival.

….we encourage people to …. express their feelings to others in the group. People listen carefully, then share what feelings this brings up for them. Everything is completely confidential, as feeling safe is essential to this process working.

For example, one man said, "I may look like the perfect father, but my son is on heroin." Instead of replying, "Oh, why don't you send him to a drug rehab program?" which would only make the man feel even more isolated, someone else replied, "I used to have a drug problem." Another person said, "My daughter just got her third DUI." And so on.

Suddenly, you don't feel so alone and ashamed. The son still has a heroin problem, the daughter still has her DUIs, but now you have more compassion for yourself and those you love.

This experience is so powerful that many people in our support group continue to meet years, even decades, after the study ends.

When you grow up in an extended family, or in a stable neighborhood with two or three generations of families who live there, you feel seen. Not just the good things you've done, the stuff you put on your resume. You know they've seen you in your dark times, when you've messed up -- but they're still there. As in the movie, Avatar, "I see you."

Paradoxically, when we're willing to acknowledge and talk openly about our errors, it frees us from the stress, anger, guilt, shame, and humiliation -- which are the most toxic emotions -- allowing us to see things more clearly and to avoid making new ones.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-dean-ornish/social-networks_b_2056577.html