Beausobre, Iulia de - Tender shepherd, please
Type of Spiritual Experience
A description of the experience
The Woman who could not die – Iulia de Beausobre
"Your name, Citizen?"
"Iulia de Beausobre."
"You will be taken before the examining officer. Get ready."
The jailor vanishes. The door is locked.
My hands, suddenly icy-cold and wringing-wet, fumble helplessly putting on stockings, jersey, skirt. I had not taken off my underclothes because my old Sacha, when deciding what I was to take with me to prison, had found all my pyjamas unsuitably light-hearted for the occasion, both in texture and in design, but forgot to give me a nightdress of her own as she had intended.
She was numb with the horror of the last days and had to use all her strength of will not to weep or to curse the men who were taking me away, having emptied the contents of all our cupboards and drawers on to the floor of our rooms and locked her out of them, leaving only the kitchen and bathroom for her use.
Those hands of mine, why do they tremble so? My stiff mouth is quite dried up, I could not say a word. I must pour some cold tea out of the copper kettle on my table into the metal mug. I stand with my back to the door so that no eye shall see my shaking hands. God, how they shake and tremble. I am sure the jailors can see, although my back is turned. Jesus-gentle-shepherd-hear-me. In-the-darkness-be-thou-near-me. Please, please be near me.
From this dithering woman the Leonardo detaches himself, so different from her that he is almost a visual reality.
Fool, he says with cynical superiority, your being physically repellent isn't even the worst thing about you, for you are quickly becoming a repulsive imbecile and a revolting moral coward.
The imputation is so true that a lump of bitter humiliation chokes me and tears come to my eyes.
Tender shepherd, please.
And the cell fills with a whirling light. It dims the electric bulb and dwarfs the Leonardo into insignificance. Out of an infinite expanse of spinning, throbbing clarity there comes to me a serene look of perfect understanding. But there are no eyes; only I am dimensional while this strange thing lasts. An inaudible voice of traglc beauty envelopes me with 'Peace. My peace be with you!'
The source of the experienceBeausobre, Iulia de
Concepts, symbols and science items
Activities and commonsteps
Overwhelming fear and terror
Sleep deprivation, insomnia and mental exhaustion