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The Mystical Life – J H M Whiteman

Not more than three or four of my experiences have been definitely initiated by effort and will. The distaste for the resulting state and a peculiar form of anguish afterwards, together with shame at having succumbed to a harmful temptation, in those few experiences, have been quite sufficient to inhibit future efforts that way entirely, unless very slight. The following is a curious example in which I was induced to make too strong an effort:

(January 14, 1950). Becoming aware of the freedom to separate, I made a voluntary decision to move from the bed, in a separated form, out into the room. When out, however, the state of consciousness changed suddenly so that from the new point of view it appeared that I was still in the position of the physical body and that separation had not in fact taken place. A second movement of separation was then made, requiring a more appreciable effort. Returning almost at once, I was affected with some restlessness and distaste-the aftermath of self-determined effort without inner obedience.