Observations placeholder
Snow thoughts
Identifier
004914
Type of Spiritual Experience
Background
Hippolyte FLANDRIN - Jeune homme nu assis au bord de la mer. Figure d'étude
Nude Youth Sitting by the Sea - Like the Oedipus painted by Flandrin's master Ingres, this study of a nude youth was sent to Paris in 1837 as representative of the work of the fourth-year students at the French Academy in Rome. Ingres' purism is here taken to extremes: the human body is close to achieving the primeval form of the circle.
A description of the experience
Being with you
Has brought back the demons.
Before, I had held them back,
A great wall of cold snow thoughts
Pressing on my back all the time.
I looked forward
Spread my frozen fingers
And held the wall back,
A growing wall
Built from the gentle snowflakes of sorrow
Sorrow and regret
At what should have been.
And I held back the wall and looked ahead
And told myself how good my life had been
A life of travel, of wonderful places, of joy at God’s wonders in the world
A life of success at work
Full
But no children, no love, no lover
No intimacy, no soul mate, no sense of peace
Always that sense of being alone
Always empty hollow loneliness
And illness, always illness,
Illness created from frustrated desire, from fear and fright,
From facing my demons alone
Illness, the outward sign of inner turmoil
Illness, much real and diagnosed and treated, but far more undiagnosed untreated, worse and continuous
All I wanted in life was a kind and gentle lover
To lie with and be with and make love to in the warmth of a dark night
I found you and lost you
Found you again, but oh so late
And now I am losing you again
Too much to bear
And the cold wall of snow sorrow is drowning me
Drowning me
