Observations placeholder

Dumb blonde

Dumb blonde they say and dumb I am, I’m rarely on the ball
I tower over everyone because I’m 6 foot tall
I’ve not been blessed with girly gifts in facts of gifts there’s none
You ask what gifts I really have? I answer not a one

My feet are flat, my ankles thick, in dowdy clothes I’m dressed
In fact in girly attributes you’d say I wasn’t blessed
My eyes are weak, I wear thick specs, my teeth are far too yellow
From drinking too much tea when young, to really catch a fellow

My boobies are a shameful sight, I know they’re 32
But 32 ain’t very big and I’m an A cup too
If I lay down on sandy beach straight way my chest goes flat
And as my mother simply says ‘Not very sexy that’
I look just like a little boy when I’m without my vest
It looks like I have two poached eggs just floating on my chest

But miracle on miracle I’ve been invited to a party
I’ve found a frock that fits me and I’ve tamed my laugh (too hearty)
I’ve replaced the flat shoes with some heels and now I’m even taller
But at least my height draws eyes away to make my bum seem smaller

The only frock that fits me had a space for proper breasts
And I haven’t any, so my Mum (cos Mummies know what’s best)
Suggested I use tissues and stuff them down my frock
‘A little padding’s what you need’ she said ‘but not so that you shock’

But I stuffed and stuffed and even when I’d stuffed the entire box
There was still space for tissues so I then had to use socks
The sort you use for hiking nice and thick and made of wool
But they looked a little lumpy and I suspect I looked a fool

But then I had a whizz idea because I had been told
That men like FIRM breasts on a gal, so … better to be bold
I stuffed the box itself down there next to the tissues white
And sellotaped it into place so it would last all night

Well I went to the party with my Kleenex box in place
Despite my Mummy’s protestation that it detracted from my face
And one chap liked my Kleenex box, he said ‘twas not an issue
And he lay me down and bonked me long amidst a cloud of tissues