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Brainkill by Tesh EROWID experience vault

Though this substance combination I have used seems to be very rare, this report can be considered a warning. Don't get bored with the lazy beginning of the story; the end is as dramatic as boring the intro is.

…At the time I had been taking Amantadine and Bromocriptin daily at a dose of 200mg Amtantadine and 2mg Bromocriptine. No other chemicals used on that day or in that time period. Everything else was normal. No special events happened on that day which could set me into a prevalence to react negative to psychedelic drugs.

I was kinda busy at this day coz I moved to a new apartment and had some stuff to manage and to buy; in the evening a friend came around with his girl, we sat around a while and smoked some weed through a pipe. It was his weed so I was the last to smoke. As I was on, I put a lot of that grass onto the screen and inhaled.

After inhaling at first a warm feeling built up over my whole body.
I was kinda feeling detached from my body; unable to concentrate on anything. I could still DO things, and I did nothing senseless or absurd, but it was like it was all being done automatically; I was 'inside' of me and 'another me' outside was acting talking etc.

Everything had some kind of glow and everything was 'crisp' and warm and like loaded with intense strength and a feeling strange to describe, something like love and agreement and understanding and benevolence. It was like every object (not in the way of a hallucination, but rather immanent) agreed with me, it was an unusual kind of euphoria but I WAS euphoric as HELL.

I didn't pay any attention anymore to my friends, but since they had 'only' smoked some weed they weren't experiencing what I was and besides they were just sitting there stoned, but I was in a rush! This crispy, warm feeling flushed all over and over again and I wanted to do something, but what? Ok, I went into the kitchen and began... to cook! I had made a complete meal, I don't know how long it took, but to me it seemed only moments.

I was cutting and frying and cooking etc. and now and then for a moment a thought flushed into me of losing control, since it was still the same state: I was doing everything automatically; imagine it like that: if you want to move your fingers, you simply do it. You don't think about how to stretch this muscle and that muscle you just simply move your fingers.

And now my state was similiar; when I wanted to do something, I didn't think about it (at least I didn't percieve this thoughts though in some way they must still have been processed within my brain) 'it just did itself'. The moment when a strange, also unusual sensation of fear flashed through my mind was when I was cutting an onion; once started I had almost no control over the cutting process and I was afraid of cutting myself. But as I watched it (which I did with great pleasure and enjoyment) I stated that there was no risk; everything went fine and smooth so I decided to leave the rest of control I still had alone and to let things flow.

I came back into the room with all the food and they stared at me like 'what the hell have you been doing?' but didn't say a word. I ate, with the peace and tranquillity of a god, and as I was finished, I asked them if they could leave, I said I have still some work to do with the apartment, which wasn't completely a lie but also not the whole truth; actually I wanted to be left alone to fully experience this state of mind which I could only do freely while being alone. So, a bit annoyed, they agreed. I asked A. if he could leave me some weed, and he left me some 3g.

After they left I didn't think about anything else but enhancing that state and so I smoked another pipe. It was overwhelming; there was the normal, slightly 'psychedelic' THC state and in addition this warm, crisp (I can't use another word, it was like everything crackling and being so clear both in mind + vision), and additionally every thought and every object became 'enhanced', 'more real'. Every thought, every object every word became 'hyperpresent', 'hyperreal', 'hypermaterial'.

Right now I felt so comfortable I just wanted to enjoy. I turned on the telly (right now I was somehow loosing the sense for reality; the lights in my room and the warmth gave me the feeling of being in a desert on an oasis, and so everything looked abit like this, but I still knew I was in my apartment), and there was some comedy show on. I zapped a while but EVERYTHING was so cool and interesting and every word spoken bye the people had an intense meaning, and since I have always been interested in language(s) and had already done some private studies in linguistics and I had learned several languages at school it was overwhelming! One sentence spoke by an actor revealed whole universe, and I was able to perceive it as a whole instantly! I was able to understand any word into its deepest meaning coming out of its history and this almost instantly, similar to the 'automatic acting'.

I couldn't rip myself off the TV, and, in addition, I decided to smoke another pipe, and I did. I turned back on the comedy show and it was a hell of fun but not only that, it was profound and I understood the deeper meaning even of the most pointless jokes. Since I was still clear-minded in some part of my brain I 'tested' the thoughts that came up by projecting them on all-day things and events, and it was all correct, at least at this level I was on now.

I was still watching the comedy show as I smoked another pipe. At the moment I exhaled the smoke, a strange feeling of emptiness flushed all over me, somehow as if I was purged. The light and the glow was still there, but all the well-being had left me, all the warmth and all the euphoria. I felt cold and for a moment panic overcame me, because it all happened in a sudden; but after a moment the panic got off because I thought (as above while cooking and as always while using drugs, it has proved to me to be the best method to deal with strange drug-influenced states) ok it is like it is doing panic won't help, it will be over sometime, calm down, and I did; but just a moment later on the panic came back: I sat back down and kept watching the TV show which was one of my favorite comedies as I realized it wasn't funny anymore. It took me 2-3 mins to realize that 1. I didn't get the jokes anymore and 2. I didn't laugh at all. I began to panic. Staring, my eyes fixed onto the screen, I watched the show for another 10 mins, then afterwards a second comedy show began and I was so flushed with panic and anxiety that it passed for me in just moments but it was ~30mins long I think.

I wasn't able to understand jokes/humour anymore. I perceived them in some strange way: in the second show, after I had understood (slightly better) what was going on, I was able to _understand_ the jokes, but they weren't funny. I didn't laugh. Now I was in a cold, clear-minded state of panic, the one you get into when you realize you got caught off-line (=someone called and told you) with some b***s*** you made and you know you will be held responsible and you are thinking what to do now, being calm while getting mad inside.

I went to bed (the whole 'trip' had been about 3-4 hours), slept until 3pm and as I woke up I felt really bad physically, though my mind seemed clear. I did a 'standard-check' if I had any residual symptoms from that drug usage by thinking about several all-day things and doing some 'standard actions' (similar to the 'check' while on the 'trip') but it didn't look like something was wrong.

The horror came when I came to watch the Simpsons later on. Same as last night. The show wasn't funny at all, it seemed like crap to me. Before that event last night, I was the world's biggest Simpsons fan because the jokes are more intelligent then any other comedy; if one doesn't realize this the he is simply not unbounded enough to get it. But right now it wasn't funny at all. And because the Simpsons often have some kind of very wicked humour it also in addition seemed like complete crap, absolute nonsense. I was terrified. I turned off the telly and sat down and sat there for a long time, maybe an hour or two doing nothing. I was deeply shocked.

From then on the state didn't change. I don't get the jokes in comedies, in other movies, in the whole TV; in addition in theater, printed jokes and even jokes folks tell me, that is, almost all jokes; I can still laugh about funny situations but that's all and even this is not always the case. In the meanwhile I managed it to UNDERSTAND them again (though not always) but they are not funny. I only laugh seldom; and not that I cannot laugh anymore, I simply can't cry. Now and then it occurs that I am crying but VERY VERY rarely, same as laughing.

I don't know what happed that night to my neural structure. My best explanation so far is that after my last pipe I got on some unusual kind of 'LSD' trip with the Bromocriptine, or maybe I was on all the time, and the Amantandine even enhancing the Br. neurochemically, and I got stuck there.

It's interesting that I am still able to MAKE jokes and BE funny, but I understand even my jokes only for the moment they 'come out'. When I write them down and read them some minutes later they are not funny at all anymore. I have almost completely lost the capability to understand humour.

Me and a friend of mine were writing some parodies of Star Trek: Voyager and X-Files and had already found a publishing house to print the stuff, it was almost already done (if you like the ZAZ-Team, which made 'Police Squad', the 'Naked Gun'-Series and 'Kentucky Fried Movie', we had been strongly influenced by them, and, I don't want to praise myself but we REALLY had been a kick-ass comedy writer team) but we couldn't and still can't finish it because I am not able to continue the work; I have still some momentarily ideas but once written down I can't work with them anymore.

I can only warn you all: Amantadine is not bad alone, so is Bromocriptine (not as a drug but as medicine if you need it), but don't EVER use it in combination with other drugs, esp. psychedelics though the combination of those with cannabis is fascinating enough not thinking about combinations with other drugs; nut since I'm a hardcore psychonaut I have still kept using drugs, but I strictly avoid any kind of mixture/combination.

My life is like horror now; it's like physically losing a part of your body, an arm or somewhat. Social interaction has become very difficult since then. I don't know what exactly was the cause of this brain kill, and in don't think I ever will. The neurochemical interactions are too complex. I don't think it was the weed alone that caused the destruction since I have been smoking weed for years and in far greater amounts than on that evening.

I went to psychiatrists, but they didn't know what to say and so they only stated that I have some kind of psychosis and treated me with antipsychotics like haldol and zyprexa, but with no effect (only the side effects). I am crippled for life. Slowly I am regenerating in some way; not that my sense of humour is coming back, but 2 years after I'm almost ready to accept my new state of mind, but I will never forget what I have lost.