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Life is a Joke - Starter Fluid by LostInLife from EROWID

Setting: It all started in a tractor (my father is a rice farmer in Texas). I was cultivating this field when it started to get really rough in the cab of the tractor. There was a can of starter fluid in the cab by my feet that we use to start the tractor on cold mornings, and next to that was a large jack. I hit a big bump and the jack punctured a pretty large hole in the can. I hadn’t even noticed at first except for the distinct smell of fuel. At first I didn’t pay any attention, for you smell a lot of weird things in the cab of a tractor.

Experience: For those of you who don’t know, the cab of a tractor is basically airtight. So, I started to drive the tractor back to the fuel tank when I got a very fast wave of euphoria, a dream state if you will. I felt really good and everything I looked at seemed nonexistent. The radio was playing and suddenly I felt like I was in some sort of movie. I noticed patterns in the ground, my feet started become numb, all my limbs became surreal. After about 15 min. of zoning in and out, just sitting there in the tractor, I started to look and focus on a fence post with the horizon in the background. I would stare at the post and my center of focus would tilt a little to the left while everything outside of the center of focus would tilt to the right. I knew I was messed up then, but this visual hallucination so greatly amused me that I had no concern for the fact that I was just going deeper and deeper into the trip.

This next part is the peak of the experience and thus the hardest to explain, but I will try my hardest. While staring off everything went black, but there were these beautiful colors right in front of my face. I was floating in a place and there were souls all around me, but their eyes were all closed. I was looking around and everyone’s eyes were closed except mine. I was on this tape and it was playing the following message, “I wish everyone’s life was on a tape of me saying %$$#%,” I don’t remember what the word was, but I do remember thinking, “Well God Damn, I never would of guessed the meaning of life would have been so simple.”

Suddenly I got pulled from the people and tossed into oblivion. I had undoubtedly strayed to a part of the brain/universe man was not supposed to know of. It was like some guardian had noticed me and disposed of the awaken one. As I drifted I started to feel regret and pain, like I didn’t like the meaning of life because it was so obvious.

Deeper and deeper I drifted, then suddenly a voice came on an intercom and said, “Warning, your life will repeat in, 10, 9,” WHOOOOSH! I was sucked into this type of black hole with the counter still ticking in my head. “8, 7, 6,” My life started to play from the beginning to end. I remembered things from my child hood, I saw visions of my family. I remembered that all the times I had been a bad child, I started to curse who ever it was that had made life this way. “5, 4,” My life continued to play out up until, BOOM, I opened my eyes and my hands were in front of my face. Everything was red and blurry and there was this loud ringing like a dead dial tone in my head. I kicked open the cab of the tractor and jumped out. “3, 2, 1, zero,” I ran down a dirt road horrified and screaming at the top of my lungs, “NO,” I dropped to my knees and waited for the inevitable.

The dial tone faded out everything became clearer, I took a deep breath and realized that I was still, …here… I gathered myself up and got to my feet. Although my knees were weak, I started to walk back to the tractor, where I found the starter fluid can busted open.

I have been spiritually destroyed from this experience, where as I used to believe in God, Satan, Heaven, and Hell, I find myself totally doubting their existence. I feel as if I really did venture off.