Steve and Robin Larsen – The Shaman’s Doorway

The First Mushroom Experience: Dismemberment

Adamie asked me if I was ready to meet the spirits. And I said "Yes." I ate mushrooms (Amanita muscaria) and there was drumming and a seance. It was a very frightening experience. The drug felt toxic and I didn't know how to deal with it. . . .

It was like eating belladonna. . . . Like there’s no way out now because those things with big teeth are coming. Everything was chaos and disorder. I wasn't ready, I didn’t know enough, I couldn't put any pieces together.

I was physically ill, psychically terrified, close to death, no control, no direction. It was hell, an endless chaotic battle with no real point....

I just gradually came out of it, still alive physically, but that’s about it. It just stayed at one level of  confrontation, and then it went away eventually. . . .

Afterward Adamie asked me what had happened, and I explained to him what I'd experienced. He picked out each fear, each feeling, and he explained to me the spirit that controlled it. He told me spirit names, and what they did. . . .

Before the first one I had thought  “They’ll stop badgering me now." Before the second one I no longer wanted to stop it. Somehow the first time I found out that I was fucking up. The way I was, the thing I was holding on to was just not real.  l had to stop holding on to that identity. That had to be chopped away. It wasn't very central, it wasn't strong. . . .

I didn't want the vision, the dream to take me, to take me out of what I was. That had to be beaten out of me, psyched out of me. And then there was a moment. . . .

And after that moment, it was time to start to learn. What are these forces that are tearing you apart. Let’s give them a name and see what to do with them.